Damn, am I tired of hearing stories about men doing women wrong.
The poor communication, the lying, the game playing–all of it. It’s exhausting.
That is why I have decided to save myself for the inevitable alien invasion.
I will hump me an alien, no doubt. Some interstellar ass? Why not? At least when this jerk pisses me off, I can go for a joyride in his spaceship.
And before things go sour (you know the 3-4 month expiration date on most dudes) he will try to impress me with all of his otherworldly technology. His version of VR is killer.
He already introduced me to the process on how to build a date night dude. This thing can cook for me, clean and be my sex slave. And he has actual skin and lips and all the goodies. There is no air humping with huge goggles on in the alien version. Hell, at this point, I am looking forward to the day he pisses me off. I will steal his equipment and be up to no good with cyber ‘D’ real quick.
He also shows me all types of alien sex toys that are so futuristic, they are capable of re-aligning all of your chakras with just one blast. It’s the equivalent of two weeks worth of yoga (I’m talking Kundalini…all that shit), hours of cuddling with my cat, fresh flowers and a lifetime supply of chocolate all rolled into one intergalactic, orgasmic ride.
One toy in particular, the Venus 3000, is a masterpiece. It will literally give you a massage, wash your hair, smack your ass and then do any damn thing you can imagine. And it does it all by command.
So, you literally just tell this thing what to do. It is limited, however, but it’s for our own good. The user is only allowed one crazy, nasty-ass command per session. It’s to keep you from being too filthy. This is a purposely built-in glitch, specifically for humans. Aliens seem to have their perversions under control, but then again, they weren’t shamed by religion and other modes of sexual conservatism.
Then, of course, there is the question of his phallic formation. Does he have a “thing?”
Is it a rod-like structure? Is he uncircumcised? I mean those things can be pretty alien sometimes. Does it disappear and reappear? Don’t worry, sisters. I would check this whole thing out and get back to you. I have no problem asking questions and researching newly found genitals. Hell, maybe he’ll be man and woman. I’m into that.
Maybe they have all sorts of sexual positions they can do, too. Maybe we levitate, just to spice up missionary.
The best part is, he will really dig me. For once, someone won’t call me weird (which I’m totally cool with) because to him, my oddities will be familiar.
And he loves that I am a Witch.
He tells me that the indigenous people had it right all along and that plants are the key to everything. So, my fascination with the moon and its phases is just common sense and a regular part of alien self-care regimens.
So what if he has this bubble/almond-shaped head and his skin is a green or a gray; sometimes Vegans are this color and I like them.
All I am saying is, beam me up. I’m ready, Scotty.
Signing Off:
ONE ELEGANT, ELOQUENT UFO HEISTER!
Project Divinas
Well, Hello, E.I.O.
Interstellar Ass, Anyone?
Be-witching
