Commitment

Co..mmiiii. Coooo miiittttt… Commitmmmm….

Ooooooooffff! Get you a glass of water, girl! You’re gonna choke on that word!!

 I was so terrified of this word, I couldn’t even say it. 

It hardly existed in my vocabulary at all. If it somehow crept into my vocab arsenal, it was probably to judge or give someone else shit about their shortcomings; meanwhile I was completely oblivious to the lack of my own.

If you were lucky enough to date me, then I more than likely projected my inability to commit onto you.

Can I be frank with you right quick?

I have never fully committed to anything in my life. Not to anyone, not to anything and certainly not to myself.

Let’s quickly look at the definition of commitment…

Definitions:

1. the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc. “the company’s commitment to quality”

synonyms: dedication, devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, bond, adherence, attentiveness “her commitment to her students continued undiminished”

2. an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. “business commitments”

synonyms: responsibility, obligation, duty, tie, charge, liability, burden, pressure;

For me, the scatter-brained, free-spirited, creative weirdo type, these words give me anxiety and make me feel trapped. 

This is how I viewed commitment for a very long time. And so, I didn’t commit at all. I wouldn’t even make definite plans with a person, out of not wanting to feel tied down—since I was almost guaranteed to NOT want to go to the very thing I committed to when the date finally arrived, anyway.

I also allowed my fears surrounding past decisions, to commit, to justify my commitment-free life; when those decisions were rooted in the wrong intentions and left me feeling as though I wasted valuable time.

So, you can imagine I missed a lot. I missed out a lot on building relationships with people that wanted to connect with me, get to know me or collaborate with me.

I never fully understood what a commitment was. My phenomenal skills of bullshitting, thanks to the charm of my Italian ancestry, helped me in managing to fool not only myself, but many others into believing I was “in this,” or whatever horse shit phrase a bullshitter might use.

You know what shifted for me, well besides the realization that I was a total asshole to myself and others?

Character. 

This was an intricate part of my character that was suffering, that was broken. 

I want all of these qualities in friends and in partners and yet WAS I any of those things?? A person of integrity, someone to be relied upon, an honest, authentic person, a trustworthy person?

Without commitment, I was NONE of these and neither were my partners showing up as these people.

I must be committed to integrity, honesty, authenticity, trustworthiness in order to BE those qualities, right? Oh, just say fucking yes, trust me, it’s true.

Well, it’s my truth and I am authentic ‘n shit.

Please know I am not striving for perfection here. I mess up. However, I know what I value and I am dedicated. So, when I veer off, I toss around some profanity, take responsibility for my detours and I get back on that road and recommit like a motha!

Now, the c-word (well, this c-word, anyway) is no longer the dreadful death sentence I shaped it into being. 

It lights me up like no other to follow through on my word, to do as I say I’m going to do, to know those that I love can trust and rely on me. I can’t think of anything more beautiful than someone wanting to connect with me. I can’t think of anything I want more than a committed partner.

And it turns out, commitment certainly feels better than the aimless wandering I had mistaken for “creative living.” I am a writer. I love the hell out of self-expression, and I adore articulating myself via the written word.

But, how was I ever going to become the writer my soul longs for me to be without commitment??

These words don’t write themselves, girl!!

Committing to yourself and your dreams is one of thee deepest acts of self-love. I treat this like a marriage. I am married to my dreams and one of my dreams is to write my way into a purely creative life. It takes practice, dedication and discipline, but I AM WORTH IT.

“Committed, With Love”

Signing off:

                                                                        ONE ELOQUENT, ELEGANT BITCH